Twilight: The actual happening
by sweetlemongrass
Summary: So much of Twilight has been toned down to "realistic" levels. Now face Twilight how it should have been all along. A Twilight where Phil is a Lawn Nazi, Renee can make waffles out of a pipe bomb and Bella is only a supporting character.
1. Purcaffles and Stephanie Meyer

Twilight - the actual happening...

(Phoenix)

"Bella, are you absolutely positive that you don't want to come with us to Florida?"

Bella looks over to Phil, whose mowing the lawn with a half crazy smile on his face.

"DIE DANDELIONS! Hahaha, I'll kill you all." (In creepily sweet voice) "Don't even think of come back onto this lawn. Hehehehe..."

Bella's monologue - Hello, I'm a normal teenager (this is foreboding to the fact that something "not normal" will happen to me during this book) whose eccentric mom is more like a child than a parent. But I love her. Her new husband Phil is just a minor blurb emphasizing her eccentricity. And I just want her to be happy. No matter what happens to me... (more foreboding)

Bella looks back to her mom, whose reading the Kama Sutra and stretching on the floor. Her eyes widen ten-fold.

"Um..., I think I'm going to live Dad. In that one place...Knives? No...what was it called?"

Renee looks up from her "yoga" and offers, "Sporks?"

"Yeah! Sporks. What kind of a name is Sporks for a town?"

Renee shrugs. Phil comes back in from his "crusade" on the lawn with another, creepier smile on his face. He walks to the kitchen and grabs some weed killer. He straps on a holster and puts the round-up nozzle into it.

"Back in my days, a dandelion knew it's place in the world. Nowadays, they don't know a pansy's lawn from someone who actually gives a crap."

"How was your day, Philly?" Renee asks between getting up from the floor and suddenly starts doing interpretive dance.

Bella is just standing in the middle of their living room; seemingly invisible to her two parents.

"Forks and knives, I tell ya. Fork and knives." Phil grumbles before exiting out the front door.

Bella is still standing there with a strange look on her face.

Renee approaches her, dancing of course. "Bella, honey, are you ABSOLUTELY sure you don't want to come with us to Florida. I've heard there are lots of...books there." She smiles encouragingly as soon as she says books.

Bella looks outside at Phil. He was shooting the dandelions with the round-up making "pkew, pkew" sounds to accompany the shooting.

She looks back at her mom, who was now making a pipe-bomb.

"Mom, what are you doing?!" she cries, horrified.

Renee looks up from her "work". She smiles sweetly at Bella. "Oh, this? I'm just trying out a new recipe for waffles."

Bella stares at Renee for a while. Then she finally says, "Yeeeah, I'm pretty sure I'll go live in Sporks with dad."

Somehow, the "pipe-bomb" does turn into a waffle looking piece of dough.

Bella adds under her breath, "I gotta get out of here. My parents are insane."

Stephanie Meyer rushes into the household. She looks angry and slightly deranged. Elevator music/Muse is playing in the background.

"Hey! Hey! No harsh language! Not in my book!"

Bella looks at Stephanie Meyer with an even stranger look on her face. "Um...this isn't your book. It's a fanfiction..."

Renee looks up from her (now purple) pancakes/waffles and holds out a morsel to Stephanie Meyer, "You want a piece?"

Stephanie Meyer looks at the purcaffle, then to Bella, then to Renee. She shrugs.

"Sure." She sits down at the table and grabs herself some purcaffles. Phil comes in to the house covered in dirt and has some nasty bruises on his face. He walks over to the table as well and takes some purcaffles for himself.

After five minutes of intense "dinner", Renee asks Phil, "Hey, what happened to you?"

Phil freezes up and glances outside for just a second before immediately shoving his gaze back down onto his plate. A tear trips out of his eye.

"There were too many. We fought bravely, but they just kept coming. We lost a lot of good men out there." He breaks down sobbing.

Renee gets a sympathetic look on her face and reaches out for his hand and holds it.

"It'll be alright. We can get you a new holster."

Phil starts sobbing even harder.

Bella, meanwhile, has packed her bags, hot-wired the car, and is now in terminal E-12.

"Flight 235 to Seattle; now boarding class 4 passengers."

Bella stands up and boards the plane without looking back.

(Back at the house)

Renee and Phil are trying to find their "missing" car in the bathroom.

"Are you sure you parked it here?" Phil calls.

"Yes I am! Um...Phil?" shout Renee from behind the toilet.

"Yeah?"

"Where's our daughter?"

"They weeds probably got to her. There's no hope for her now." Phil says solemnly while looking out the bathroom window.

Renee shrugs. "Oh, well. She's probably in Sporks."


	2. Weird Uncles and Plane Rides

(On the Plane to Sporks)

(Over the Intercom)

"...to unlock the belt simply lift up on the metal flap..."

I was complacently watching the flight instruction video when I realized something. The guy I was sitting next to looked a lot like my weird uncle on Phil's side. I was going to let it go but he some how recognized me. Even weirder, he had missed the last family reunion where my mom created her own grinding line and I swore to hide in the shadows whenever we were in public together, but he still remembered me.

"Hey Bella! Is that you? Oh, of course it's you!" He yelled into my ear.

"Yeah... So uh, whats going on with uh, you...?" I replied stammering, trying to regain some of my hearing.

"Oh, ever since your mom's hooked up with Philly, I've been traveling..." He droned on and on about his dog Cuttles... or was it Cuddles? I wasn't really paying attention. Truthfully, I couldn't even remember his name. I should really work on my people skills. But in the mean time, and since I'm not really listening to this guy, why don't I do another monologue?

Here I was, on a plane to Seattle, then to Sporks, the dreariest place in the continental U.S. Why was I here?

Ummm...

It had something to do with being a selfless person...

Did I have a dad up there? Maybe...

But I had left Phoenix, my mother and my life. Not that I had done anything with it... am I always this negative? Oh, well, NOTHING weird would EVER happen to me in Sporks.

I miss Arizona already. I always will. Some part of me will always treasure the burning sun, the dead barren rock and the beautiful blue sky. Dear god! Am I bi-polar? Why didn't my mom ever take me in... oh. Because she's "eccentric".

"What do ya think of that, Bella?" Weird Uncle Dude asked. He sounded excited for some reason.

Crap! I wasn't paying attention. I should just answer yes. No, that doesn't even sound like a legitimate answer! Shut up Brain! I'm trying to think! Suddenly, an idea flashed inside my head. But it was really just the overhead reading light.

I pretended to fall asleep. Sure the back of the chair was leaning _into_ me, but after a while the scratchy blue fabric was actually quite comfortable. Pretending to be asleep was easier than I imagined, AND it seemed to work. I didn't hear anything more from Weird Uncle Dude. Then I felt him slump on my shoulder and start snoring.

Crap.

I was willing to put up with him sleeping on me until I felt some wet drool fall onto my blue military jacket. Desperately, I waved for the nearest flight attendant to rescue me. When she was finally close enough I was nearly crying.

"Could I please sit somewhere else?" I whispered urgently.

The flight attendant took a sympathetic look at me and slowly shook her head. "I'm sorry ma'am but we have a full plane. I guess you'll have to ride this out."

WHEN WAS THE PAIN GOING TO END?! I was covered in slobber from an estranged family member and I had just left my mom with Phil, the Lawn Nazi. I was feeling very lonely and isolated in that cramped plane seat.

I diligently struggled through Weird Uncle Dude murmuring in his sleep and his constant stream of drool. I almost lost it when he started groping my arm and whispering, "Good Cuddles... OH! VERY GOOD Cuddles..."

Everywhere I looked, people were staring at me with empathetic looks on their faces. Like most of them have had a perverted Weird Uncle Dude groping their arm and drooling on them as they were being stared by most of the flight.

NO ONE UNDERSTANDS MY PAIN!

But then I was saved by the intercom again.

"We are about fifteen minutes to touch down. If any of you would like to use the restroom before we land, that is really too bad. Should a done that fifteen minutes ago, yeah."

Weird Uncle Dude didn't move an inch, but just to hear that the end was near was like angels singing.

"Oh, the weather in Seattle is deary, rainy and wet. Jus' so ya know. No wonder the suicide rate is so high here."

Everybody on the plane froze. I think I saw one guy being restrained by his wife. He was spewing something sounding like, "Wha he say 'bout Seattle? I'm a kill that motherfu-"

I saw him take something shiny out of his pocket. It looked like a knife! I started unbuckle my belt in the hopes that I might be able to sacrifice myself and save the plane. But then I saw that it was just a scissor. Ahh, thank you homeland security.

I relaxed deeper into my seat. Weird Uncle Dude was still drooling on me and everyone else in the plane was tense with anger, embarrassment and even arousal (God damn Weird Uncle Dude...).

Another voice came onto the intercom after a few awkward moments later.

"Uh, sir, the intercom was still on."

"I don't care. Hey, look! Ehrm." (His voice suddenly became authoritative and knowledgeable) "Everyone, if you would look towards the left of the plane you will see some psychopath jumping off the radio tower! Welcome to the Seattle airport everyone!" He sounded strangely cheerful.

Weird Uncle Dude started to wake up at that instant.

"Hurmph...Huga...Hey! Hey, Bella, what'd I miss?"

I face-palmed myself. What had I gotten into?


	3. New Dads and Tasers

**What is up my Cöven? I needed to put that in there. Sorry about not writing. Anyhoo, here be my interpretation of Twilight and what I think about in my spare time that you, dear reader, have decided is the most important thing to do at this point in the time-space continuum. And I thank you. Don't judge, it's not cool. **

At the airport (and beyond!)

After quickly disposing of my jacket in the nearest trashcan, I was ready and willing to take on the world. Then I remembered where I was. In Sporks.

"NOOO!" I cried to anybody that would listen. Surprisingly, no one did.

A part of my soul died right there and life felt meaningless and horribly empty. If only there was something, OR someone, who could make me feel alive again (IRONY! Because vampires are kinda dead...). As if by a miracle, I saw my father standing by the door with a smile plastered on his face.

"Daddy!" I yelled as I flung myself into his arms, trying to fill the hole in my chest with a male role model. All of a sudden the entire world melted away and I felt safe and warm and... getting pushed away?

"I said, Get off of me, Crazy Bitch!"

Another part of my soul, another useless part, died. Without looking up, fearing I would start crying if I stared into the eyes of my heartless father, I asked, "What, Daddy?"

"For the last time! I am not your "Daddy"!"

Risking my sanity (maybe) and my trust in all life forms (more irony, maybe?), I looked up at my cruel father, the one I used to love.

It wasn't him

"Oh..." I murmured.

Turns out he wasn't my dad, and his real daughter was standing right behind me, with an angry look on her face that could only mean she wanted to be friends with me.

I let go of the father that wasn't mine and patted his daughter on the head.

"Sorry about that... AH! Don't hate me! I won't be able to take it, my meds aren't strong enough!" I cried, bawling now.

And the father just stared at me! Like I was some kind of freak! My self confidence was slowly dying in a very dark and deep hole. It seemed like the moment I stepped off that plane my life was going from insignificant to just another Dr. Phil episode. Or would it be a Tyra Banks' one?

As I contemplated the cliche my life was, a strange man with a very 80's porn star mustache was approaching me. Depending on those self-defense classes I had taken with my mom, I reached into my carry-on and threw my taser at the offender. He caught it and looked relatively unharmed.

WHAT? That's not supposed to happen!

"Bella? How the hell did you get a taser on the plane?"

Wait... how did this strange man know my name. And even my "nickname" despite "Bella" being a perfectly good name instead of nicknames like "H2O" or "Bill"?

I saw the man continue to walk towards me even though I had done a pretty, excuse my french (where did that phrase even come from?), darn good job of intimidating him. Strangely, I was only able to look at his chest instead of at his face. Who was this man? A mugger? A rapist? The fact that this was a well-lit, public area continued to elude me.

"You know you're supposed to hold the pretty blue lights against your "attacker"?"

I was nearly crying in fright.

"Wh...Who are you?" His chest was very manly and intimidating.

"Uh... Bella, it's me... Your Dad...? Charlie...?"

I looked up and it was Charlie.

"Oh... Let's go."

I flipped my hair in a very aloof manner, but it flew in my face and I tripped over a tragically placed trash can. Luckily, Charlie came rushing to my rescue.

"Bella, get your ass of the ground. You'll look like a crack whore. I should know..." He said that last part kind of hushed but overall his voice was warm and reassuring. I jumped up and skipped after him.

"I taste carpet." And I did. It's not as bad as people think.

"I told you, you crazy bitch, get away from me!" Charlie's voice wasn't as fluffy and plush as it was a minute ago.

"Charlie..." I growled after him, feeling something very close to homicidal tendencies rise up within my soul.

"Dear God, what are you on?!" He yelled and then turned around. It was the same man I had ran up to and hugged. It was the impostor Charlie.

"Oh! Sorry... Teehee." And I skipped back to the real Charlie. feeling rather giddy inside.

"Okay Bella, you've had quite a day. Let's go home." Charlie, the real one, put his arm around me.

As he did that supposed act of reassurance, I couldn't help but feel a crushing damnation come with it. And we walked out the doors but yet another, just as insignificant, part of my soul died as we walked outside into the AWFUL, WET, DISGUSTING and ALIEN/BEAUTIFUL green landscape of Sporks, Washington.

This was my new life. In Sporks. With a distant but loving father. And me, a psychotic teenage girl on the verge of mental breakdown.

Where are my meds?

**Where are her meds? Where are my meds? HA! I don't have meds! Yep, Quina, you might smell crack but I smell rainbows and muffin-shitting unicorns. It should be unihorns but that sounds provocative and racy. See yall next year!**


End file.
